marriage as a partnership

I was thinking today about something Dad wrote in one of his emails when reflecting weather it would worry him if Mum earned more than he did. And in his opinion it didn’t matter who earned what. He felt that everything they did together was done for the good of the family. Him going to work in the theatre provided an income wherewith to provide the basics of life but Mum being home was also crucial because she had to manage everything as far as nurturing the family. Mum’s resourcefullness meant we could exist on a very small income. Did she work any less hard than Dad? Of course not..in fact hers was the bigger stress and definitely the more important role.

 

I think it is great when married couples can operate as a partnership. Then everything works for the common good of the family. Decisions can be made truly based on what is better for everyone. Should it be better for the woman to work and provide…maybe circumstances mean that this is the better solution for a particular family..ie the family would gain more as a whole from this decision. Then so be it. Should this make the man feel less successful? Surely not, if the decision was based on what would benefit the family the most. I know of a colleague who supports her husband in the role of fulltime father. He also does a lot of work for the local community (they live in a small country town). She enjoys going to work and he loves being at home. Both their lives are enhanced by him being at home. She comes home at night and the housework is done, the meal is cooked and they can enjoy the evening together as a family. She knows their daughter is being well looked after. They go on a lot of holidays and a lot of weekend outings. Both are well able to cope with the role reversal.

 

Having one partner at home looking after the needs of the couple / family is good when it enhances everyone’s lives. I very much hope that Dennis and Peter will feel the benefits of me being at home. I can already see that things are easier for all of us. Evenings used to be spent working or catching up on housework. As we get into a better pattern, this is slowly improving. Dennis currently provides our income. I try to improve our life as much as possible and concentrate on making sure that we stretch that income as far as possible. I enjoy being at home looking after the family. Dennis feels more fulfilled being at work. It never occurrs to me to worry that he earns the money now and I don’t. I still consider it as “our” income – not his. My being at home should make his going to work easier.  And should the situation be reversed I am sure we could still manage to make things work.

 

The trick is to change the thinking from ME and MINE to US and OURS especially when it comes to material possessions and finances. This of course requires trust. And that is something that is being eroded in todays world. With so many marriage breakups people are concerned rather  than about how they can function as a couple, about what would happen if the relationship breaks up.  Maybe one way to sort this out would indeed be to make a contract with each other, before embarking on marriage or partnership, that spells out exactly what would happen in the case of a breakup. If it is truly felt that the income belongs to both partners…not just the one who’s name appears on the payslip, then there should be no problem working out a way to split any profits should the partnership dissolve. Similar to any normal business partnership. In my view the important thing is that the person bringing home the paycheck understands how much his/her partner’s efforts in the home contribute to his/her ability to earn that paycheck! And if both bring home paychecks then it should be irrelevant who’s is bigger…the income should still be considered as a joint income. After all both parties benefit!