My husband

Today I woke up thinking about how lucky I am and how blessed I have been. We have been married for nearly 27 years and we are still each other’s best friends. Life has not always been smooth sailing but with two people manning the boat, helping each other, we always manage to navigate a straight course.

I met Dennis at a time when things certainly were not going so smoothly in my life. Behind me were a trail of shattered relationships including a very traumatic failed but thankfully short marriage. But by the time we met I had decided that for me marriage was out of the question. I simply did not appear to have a good effect on my partners. I was somehow too independent and needed my space. Or intolerant and couldn’t cope with someone elses infidelities or maybe too jealous and couldn’t stand any competition. Or a bad character judge. Or otherwise deficient human being. By this stage I had two sons who I had dragged through some of this mess and I had decided that for their sake, I must stay on my own and bring them up without further harm.

Dennis on the other hand had been a model human being. He was funny. He was smart. He had never run away from home. He was entertaining. He was certainly tolerant. He was quietly spiritual without trying to force his opinions onto others. He was fit and enjoyed walking and riding. He was a great entertainer and loved going out for a good meal. He was a movie buff. He had loads of friends. He was kind and considerate to others, helped people in need. He was also a wine buff and an expert gourmet. He had a good job, at least as good as mine. He could tell a great yarn and better still had people laughing at his jokes. He was a comedian and a character. There was never a dull moment in his company. But leaving the best for last, he absolutely loved and adored children and they loved him!

Of course the differences between us were as wide as the Great Australian Bight. I loved his company. My sister who was living with me at the time thought he was hilarious. My sons, especially Peter, found him wonderful. Long before there were any romantic feelings between us, Peter asked me one day: “why can’t Dennis be our Dad?”.  Of course I nearly died of embarassment and quickly shut him up. But for a woman with 2 children it was so refreshing to have a male friend who loved you to bring the kids. In fact most of the time when the kid were with us, they were the centre of attention and I was ignored. And we seldom went anywhere without them. I had gone out with other men who (unless they were married themselves of course) were totally freaked out when the two boys were around. Especially worried about their walls and furniture and artifacts. So usually the final conversation between us would be:
“can we go out on such and such a day?”. “sounds good”. “but…please ..no kids” “oh well, I was busy anyway. Nice knowing you”.

Dennis simply only picked things to do that could accommodate the kids. In fact I remember only one night that we went to the movies together on our own. And when the kids arrived, he always had surprises for them. There is a cliché which says: “the road into a man’s heart is via his stomach” (probably very out of date). Well Dennis worked his way into my heart by loving my children J

By the time he asked me to marry him, I was totally gone, hook line and sinker. Mind you, I was also totally mixed up about how I actually felt about him. First I was terribly shocked. Marriage was the last thing on my mind. After all, legally I was not yet divorced. So I took flight and took an unplanned holiday for 2 weeks. It happened to be school holidays so I bundled the kids, my sister, my brother into my very small car and drove over 2000km to Brisbane to visit my other sister. I needed some breathing space and most of all I needed an outside perspective. We arrived in one peace, people that is. Car was stuffed. I cooked the engine. Cracked the head. Somehow we still made it there and back.

My sister helped me to see that I was not ready to get burnt again. It was all too soon. I think the expression was “jumping from the frying pan into the fire”.  I needed more time on my own. No more gambles with the lives of my kids. I agreed it was all wrong. I wanted Dennis as a mate, a friend. But a husband? Why wreck a perfect friendship? I couldn’t even answer the question: did I love him? What is love? That funny butterfly feeling in your stomach that leaves you feeling like shit when it ceases? And you realise what relationship you have been trapped into? Or that feeling that robs you of all reason and addles your brain so much that you can’t think on your own? Those feelings had brought me only misery. However, I hadn’t been feeling them. Instead I had been enjoying his company and having a ball. Feeling protected in his presence. Entertained. Had fun. Enjoyed the conversations. A perfect partner in every way.

And best of all, when I was near him I really wanted to be the perfect person he saw me to be. He made me want to be great. He made me want to be ME. Where I saw crap in myself, he saw only goodness. What a tonic that was. I wanted so much to be that person that he saw. But, reason prevailed and I realised that if I was unsure if I LOVED him I better not lead him on and tell him that we should part company. We had arranged to meet up in Sydney (halfway home) where I was to meet his family.

We took off and I felt utterly depressed. I think I cried most of the 1000 KM to Sydney. The thought of a world without Dennis was simply intolerable. Unbelievable. I couldn’t go back to that empty drab existance. I had learned to pray by now and asked for help. About a 100km before Sydney I suddenly realised how much I loved him. How much he had become a part of my life. The rest is history. I accepted. I got a divorce. We bought a house. We were married! All within 3 months. In fact I almost stuffed it up. When we got the date for the divorce hearing we planned our wedding date the weekend after. When I attended the divorce hearing the magistrate first told me that I was divorced as of today (decree nisi) but that decree absolut was not until 30 days later. What a dilemma. What todo? I burst into tears. He asked me what was wrong. Embarassed I told him a wedding had been planned for Saturday (the hearing was on Tuesday). He said: “you didn’t give me much time!” He turned to the court scribe and said :”take note, decree absolute, 3 days from today”. I think we had some divine intervention!

Well all that was in January 1979, more than a qarter of a century ago. I still feel the same way. We love each other’s company. The best holiday is one we share together. We never get tired of each other. But then, we don’t smother each other either. We allow each other room to grow. Room to be. I must say he is much better at that than I am but I hope I am learning.

No matter what happens in life, we help each other get through. I feel so blessed to have a partner I can lean on. To have someone for whom I will always be the number one person in his life. And someone who will always be for me the number one person in my life. Because together we manage much better. Our combined strength is far greater than the sum or our individual strenghts. We enhance each other. And we give each other the confidence and the permission to be who we are really meant to be. That’s what I call a perfect marriage. It does require sacrifice and constant awareness of each others needs. But the sacrifice is more than worth it. When we are both happy, we can conquer the world. When one of us is miserable, we are both diminished. And all that is required is a sensitivity to each others needs and the willingness to put my partners needs above that of my own, because in the end I am greatly blessed when I see him happy!

I am so grateful that Dennis supports and encourages my desire to stay home at this stage. And I want to make this experience one that enhances us as a couple. So that we have more time to enjoy each other’s company and can in turn bless those who we love!

Thank you darling, for your love. Thank you for always putting me first. Thank you for your tolerance and patience and forgiving nature. Thank you for your generosity. Thank you for having become a great Dad to our sons. Thank you for loving my family. I love you. I have always loved you. And I know we will be together for ever.