on holiday in Melbourne

Yesterday Mum and I spent a wonderful couple of hours at the Victoria Market. The weather was perfect and we had an appointment in the city so decided to have lunch at the market. At the Bratwurst stand. I haven’t been there for many years but it still looks and tastes the same. There were thousands of People. Tuesdays the market is open and lots of people go there, especially during their lunch break. After lunch we separated and walked up and down the isles. Mum inspected the deli and told me that the prices there were much better than Preston Market so we may make Victoria Market our main shopping place in the future. I bought yet another handbag. One stand was having a huge sale of Italian Leather hand bags. I just went for a look but fell victim to the charming manager who saw me eying off a bag and just kept lowering the price until it was impossible to resist. I always find that after using them for a few weeks each handbag I buy is somehow unpractical. So then I start looking for one with better features. But all you end up doing is giving up one feature for another….no bag is perfect. I need to overcome this urge to buy handbags. I think it is an addiction J

On Monday I had an appointment in Moorabbin. Mum came along and we ended up spending the afternoon at Southland. There I found a café called “The Coffee Bean and Tea Leave” which was Dennis’ and my favourite haunt in Kuala Lumpur. They had cafes in every shopping centre and served the most delicious breakfast called Salmon Scramble. It was a ritual with us when we went shopping on Saturdays to start with this breakfast. Other times we used to order “regular pure chococate ice blended”. That is an iced chocolate that is like a chocolate slurpee. But with cream on top. Very cold but very delicious and probably very fattening. I found out that the Coffee Bean have a few outlets in Melbourne but that the only one serving breakfast is in the city near the IMAX. So we will be checking it out.

Southland has become huge. They have two shopping centres, one on either side of the Nepean Highway and joined by a giant bridge which contains more shops. You can park either side of the road. We were tired after seeing only a small part of it! Then we drove home via St. Kilda. So was a nice excursion.

The last few days have seemed like being on holidays. So today I will have to do some work! Tomorrow Haylee and Melissa are coming to visit. I am already looking forward to it.

quick update

Em’s on holidays with Lisa. Looking forward to a nice long update when she returns. Holly is in Canberra for her final assessment. Sue is on her way back from India. Hopefully she will email us all of her experiences there and I will post her email on the blog. But I think she will first need to spend a few days eating to recover and get her strength back! Pete should be on his way to Adelaide for another 2 weeks. Robert is still in Darwin saving madly for his next holiday.

Had a very pleasant Sunday. Mum, Gerd, Michael and Haylee dropped in for lunch yesterday to help me celebrate turning 55! I share my birthday with 3 others in the family. Lisa, our Aunt Anneliese in Germany and a distant cousin in Germany who we are not in touch with.

Dennis spoilt me and made breakfast. Then we rushed off to church and when I came back Michael and Haylee were already here and had cleaned up the kitchen! The weather was glorious so had a wonderful lazy afternoon. Then a nice surprise in the evening. We finally sold Dad’s electric wheelchair. A man came all the way from Hastings (2 hours drive) to buy it and pick it up. Sad thing is that he bought it for his wife who is dying of cancer so that he could improve her life for the time she still has. Which is not long considering she has lung cancer. Had mixed feelings when the chair was picked up. Was happy to sell it but also sad in a way because Dad loved that chair so much that it felt like another part of Dad leaving us.

Melissa had to work yesterday and then Michael and Haylee rushed off to pick her up so that she could get ready for a “black eyed pea?” concert last night. Look forward to hearing all about it.

And that’s it in a nutshell! Now I have to dash. Have a busy day ahead of me.

Starting them early

Couldn't resist this quick post. Here is the youngest member of our clan...just turned 1! And already practicing for our next working bee!

Looking forward to having you there Charlotte!

Working bee date now fixed at Saturday October 15th at Oma's.

God is LOVE

In my heart I have always held on to the image of God as a loving Father who has good things in store for us. Even when it seems the world is cruel I still believe firmly that God did not want this for his children. Often when we suffer we can squarely blame ourselves. Othertimes we can still blame man’s disobendience. For instance God has made man steward over his environment. In disobedience and mainly due to greed we have not been worthy of that title and we have polluted the environment causing so much disease and suffering, not only for us but for all living things. Greed is also the reason why the western diet has wrecked our health and is killing so many people. Same with drugs, smoking and alcohol. With so much money spent on advertising and making these so lucrative and attractive to us, we can hardly avoid becoming victims.

But there are often times when suffering happens to the innocent and can’t be attributed to any direct cause. Children born of terrible diseases for instance. And then you read stories about people who perform incredible miracles of love. Today I was waiting for Mum while she was with her eye specialist and was reading one of the usual waiting room magazines. I read an article about a couple who have “adopted” 25 boys. Now that in itself is astounding. I had difficulties raising 2 let alone 25. But these were not just ordinary boys. They were all suffering from some serious disability and were with this couple because nobody else wanted to foster or adopt them. But that is not all. This couple had their own pain. The husband, through a diving accident, had become a paraplegic himself and they “saw”  that this made him a great role model for the young boys in their care. What an attitude! When you read about things like that you just have to be thankful that there is still LOVE in the world.

I like to see this life as a school preparing us for better things. There are always opportunities for GROWTH. That is my view of suffering. Having people amongst us that depend on others, gives these others the opportunity to become GREAT people. The opportunity to grow in SELFLESSNESS. Caring for others, makes me a better person and in turn blesses those I care for. So there are double blessings to be had. And for those who are in pain, suffering is like a refiner’s fire. So many destitute people experience so much more joy at the simple things and the rich with all their money experience only a fraction of the joy.

The doctor didn’t have any good news for Mum. Nothing can be done to improve her eyesight. But Mum has rallied around and not let it get her down. In fact her comment was that there are much worse things than failing eyesight. I know she is very disappointed because deep down she had hoped that removing a cataract would fix the problem.

I had a bad night last night and could have slept all day. However I woke up with a song going round and round in my head all day. It was one that was sung at church yesterday. Of course it is much more moving put to music but I also love the words so here it is:

Earth, with her ten thousand flow'rs, Air, with all its beams and show'rs,
Heaven's infinite expanse, sea's resplendent countenance--
All around and all above bear this record: God is love.

Sounds among the vales and hills, In the woods and by the rills,
Of the breeze and of the bird, by the gentle murmur stirred--
Sacred songs, beneath, above,  have one chorus: God is love.

All the hopes that sweetly start from the fountain of the heart,
All the bliss that ever comes to our earthly human homes,
All the voices from above sweetly whisper: God is love.

P.S. if you want to read more about the family who adopted 25 boys, there are stories about it on the internet and here is one URL:

http://www.usatoday.com/life/2003-11-25-silcock-boys_x.htm

 

 

Dutch Masters

Today we had a day of culture. Dennis and I visited the National Galary and had a look at the Dutch Masters exhibition which is finishing soon. Was very impressive and we enjoyed it very much. I love Art where I can actually see/understand what is being painted. And this stuff was a few hundred years old, so it’s interesting to see how people lived then. I get a bit lost with modern art which requires a lot of interpretation.  

Was good to go to the city as well. Had some delicious cake and decaf afterwards before heading home.

In case others haven’t noticed, Haylee is back online! And has promised us a new novel soon!

Welcome back to Ben and Amy too. Now how about some of the others….Helga, Holly, Lisa, Em…..your blogs are getting a bit stale!

Hate to mention that 4 letter word but…had a bit of success with eBay this week. Success as in number of items sold…..lots of italian books and novels…not in the same league as some of the others who are actually raking in the doe! My books usually sell around 1 to 2 bucks….however the odd one gets up to 15.00 and I had one set of Italian books go for 18.00 however…the person has not paid yet so jury is out. Maybe he realised that he overbid on the old books!

I am happy each time I go to the Post Office….means more room on my shelves!

Otherwise nothing more to report.

My husband

Today I woke up thinking about how lucky I am and how blessed I have been. We have been married for nearly 27 years and we are still each other’s best friends. Life has not always been smooth sailing but with two people manning the boat, helping each other, we always manage to navigate a straight course.

I met Dennis at a time when things certainly were not going so smoothly in my life. Behind me were a trail of shattered relationships including a very traumatic failed but thankfully short marriage. But by the time we met I had decided that for me marriage was out of the question. I simply did not appear to have a good effect on my partners. I was somehow too independent and needed my space. Or intolerant and couldn’t cope with someone elses infidelities or maybe too jealous and couldn’t stand any competition. Or a bad character judge. Or otherwise deficient human being. By this stage I had two sons who I had dragged through some of this mess and I had decided that for their sake, I must stay on my own and bring them up without further harm.

Dennis on the other hand had been a model human being. He was funny. He was smart. He had never run away from home. He was entertaining. He was certainly tolerant. He was quietly spiritual without trying to force his opinions onto others. He was fit and enjoyed walking and riding. He was a great entertainer and loved going out for a good meal. He was a movie buff. He had loads of friends. He was kind and considerate to others, helped people in need. He was also a wine buff and an expert gourmet. He had a good job, at least as good as mine. He could tell a great yarn and better still had people laughing at his jokes. He was a comedian and a character. There was never a dull moment in his company. But leaving the best for last, he absolutely loved and adored children and they loved him!

Of course the differences between us were as wide as the Great Australian Bight. I loved his company. My sister who was living with me at the time thought he was hilarious. My sons, especially Peter, found him wonderful. Long before there were any romantic feelings between us, Peter asked me one day: “why can’t Dennis be our Dad?”.  Of course I nearly died of embarassment and quickly shut him up. But for a woman with 2 children it was so refreshing to have a male friend who loved you to bring the kids. In fact most of the time when the kid were with us, they were the centre of attention and I was ignored. And we seldom went anywhere without them. I had gone out with other men who (unless they were married themselves of course) were totally freaked out when the two boys were around. Especially worried about their walls and furniture and artifacts. So usually the final conversation between us would be:
“can we go out on such and such a day?”. “sounds good”. “but…please ..no kids” “oh well, I was busy anyway. Nice knowing you”.

Dennis simply only picked things to do that could accommodate the kids. In fact I remember only one night that we went to the movies together on our own. And when the kids arrived, he always had surprises for them. There is a cliché which says: “the road into a man’s heart is via his stomach” (probably very out of date). Well Dennis worked his way into my heart by loving my children J

By the time he asked me to marry him, I was totally gone, hook line and sinker. Mind you, I was also totally mixed up about how I actually felt about him. First I was terribly shocked. Marriage was the last thing on my mind. After all, legally I was not yet divorced. So I took flight and took an unplanned holiday for 2 weeks. It happened to be school holidays so I bundled the kids, my sister, my brother into my very small car and drove over 2000km to Brisbane to visit my other sister. I needed some breathing space and most of all I needed an outside perspective. We arrived in one peace, people that is. Car was stuffed. I cooked the engine. Cracked the head. Somehow we still made it there and back.

My sister helped me to see that I was not ready to get burnt again. It was all too soon. I think the expression was “jumping from the frying pan into the fire”.  I needed more time on my own. No more gambles with the lives of my kids. I agreed it was all wrong. I wanted Dennis as a mate, a friend. But a husband? Why wreck a perfect friendship? I couldn’t even answer the question: did I love him? What is love? That funny butterfly feeling in your stomach that leaves you feeling like shit when it ceases? And you realise what relationship you have been trapped into? Or that feeling that robs you of all reason and addles your brain so much that you can’t think on your own? Those feelings had brought me only misery. However, I hadn’t been feeling them. Instead I had been enjoying his company and having a ball. Feeling protected in his presence. Entertained. Had fun. Enjoyed the conversations. A perfect partner in every way.

And best of all, when I was near him I really wanted to be the perfect person he saw me to be. He made me want to be great. He made me want to be ME. Where I saw crap in myself, he saw only goodness. What a tonic that was. I wanted so much to be that person that he saw. But, reason prevailed and I realised that if I was unsure if I LOVED him I better not lead him on and tell him that we should part company. We had arranged to meet up in Sydney (halfway home) where I was to meet his family.

We took off and I felt utterly depressed. I think I cried most of the 1000 KM to Sydney. The thought of a world without Dennis was simply intolerable. Unbelievable. I couldn’t go back to that empty drab existance. I had learned to pray by now and asked for help. About a 100km before Sydney I suddenly realised how much I loved him. How much he had become a part of my life. The rest is history. I accepted. I got a divorce. We bought a house. We were married! All within 3 months. In fact I almost stuffed it up. When we got the date for the divorce hearing we planned our wedding date the weekend after. When I attended the divorce hearing the magistrate first told me that I was divorced as of today (decree nisi) but that decree absolut was not until 30 days later. What a dilemma. What todo? I burst into tears. He asked me what was wrong. Embarassed I told him a wedding had been planned for Saturday (the hearing was on Tuesday). He said: “you didn’t give me much time!” He turned to the court scribe and said :”take note, decree absolute, 3 days from today”. I think we had some divine intervention!

Well all that was in January 1979, more than a qarter of a century ago. I still feel the same way. We love each other’s company. The best holiday is one we share together. We never get tired of each other. But then, we don’t smother each other either. We allow each other room to grow. Room to be. I must say he is much better at that than I am but I hope I am learning.

No matter what happens in life, we help each other get through. I feel so blessed to have a partner I can lean on. To have someone for whom I will always be the number one person in his life. And someone who will always be for me the number one person in my life. Because together we manage much better. Our combined strength is far greater than the sum or our individual strenghts. We enhance each other. And we give each other the confidence and the permission to be who we are really meant to be. That’s what I call a perfect marriage. It does require sacrifice and constant awareness of each others needs. But the sacrifice is more than worth it. When we are both happy, we can conquer the world. When one of us is miserable, we are both diminished. And all that is required is a sensitivity to each others needs and the willingness to put my partners needs above that of my own, because in the end I am greatly blessed when I see him happy!

I am so grateful that Dennis supports and encourages my desire to stay home at this stage. And I want to make this experience one that enhances us as a couple. So that we have more time to enjoy each other’s company and can in turn bless those who we love!

Thank you darling, for your love. Thank you for always putting me first. Thank you for your tolerance and patience and forgiving nature. Thank you for your generosity. Thank you for having become a great Dad to our sons. Thank you for loving my family. I love you. I have always loved you. And I know we will be together for ever.

the links in a chain.

(Note/warning: this turned out to be another very long post!)

It is interesting sometimes to look back at life and study a “chain” of events. Often the links in the chain only become visible many years later. Here is a chain (and there are many chains in our lives) that I just put together. In constructing it I looked at events that were directly influenced by the preceding event and where the preceding event had a direct bearing on the event, in that without that event, the next one would probably not have happened. Of course there were a lot more links inbetween but if I mention them all…this would go on forever!

z      2005        I take a backup of Dad’s hard disk and obtain a treasure chest of email messages to translate.

z      1999        Harald and Dad agree to start communicating via email

z      1999        Dad reads an email message that I happen to send to him about another T… sending me an email and writes to Harald

                        he is drawn to Harald because he likes his “language” and style of writing. And Harald happens to live in Duesseldorf

                        which is not far from where we come from.

z      1999        I received an email from Harald introducing himself to me

z      1999        Reiner S does some research to work out a group of T…’s were related. Found the link between Harald and us

                        5 generations previous.

z      1999        I was able to give Reiner S a lot of genealogical documents from the Salt Lake library all about the T…family

                        which was his area of interest

z      1999        I received an email from Jacob T asking if we were related. This started the correspondence with the T…researchers

                        and Reiner S who was then in Djakarta. Jacob found out on the internet that I was interested in the T… family.

z      1999        I spent 2 weeks in Salt Lake city and did a lot of genealogical research. Started with the R… family but came to a dead end

                        so moved to the T.. family and found a lot of records. This name sort of came to me. I could have chosen any number

                        of other names in our family tree.

z      1998        I bought a genealogical program which gave you a free website where you could store your research information.

                        That’s how Jacob found me.

z      1996        Genealogical research made me realise how difficult it is to find information on our ancestors. Thinking about my ancestors

                        made me want to go to Germany and re-establish contact with my “living” relatives. I visited Germany for the first time

                        in 34 years and not only had a great time meeting our relatives, but also was given a lot of photos which I copied and

                        brought back with me and a lot of information about our ancestors. Including a photo of Anna Katherina T….which

                        immediately appealed to me. I was keen to learn more about her already then.

z      1995        After joining the Church of Jesus Christ (LDS/ Mormon) I became very enthusiastic about family history research.

                        I had many spiritual experiences that made me aware of how important families are and became very eager to

                        find out more about my ancestors. First I started with Dennis’ family because the records were all available in

                        Australia.

z      1995        January we joined the Mormon church (long story which requires its own blog entry).

                         What attracted me most was their understanding of God’s plan of salvation.

                        This is that we all have an equal chance of salvation. We are judged by a very just God not because of an arbitrary

                        decision or circumstance that places us into a certain religion, but each person is judged by how well they live

                        their life according to their own beliefs. So if you are a Buddhist, you are expected to be a good Buddhist and will

                        be judged accordingly. If the circumstances of life do not make it possible for you to become a Christian, then

                        this is not held against you. To me this really makes sense given the image of a loving God. Each and every child

                        of His has an equal chance. Anything we don’t know on this earth, we learn in the spirit world to which we all go

                        after death. We believe that Jesus truly won eternal life for EVERYONE by his death and resurrection. Not just

                        for Christians. We still pay for our sins. And sins are something that is dictated by our conscience. We all have a

                        conscience and when we die we will regret all the things we did wrong. But not the things we didn’t know we did wrong.

                        I finally had an answer for the question that plagued me since 1982.

z      1994        We made a decision to leave the church we were attending. We had a strong testimony of Jesus and we felt

                        that the pastors of our church were no longer preaching things according to our understanding of the scriptures.

                        We decided that we would search for a church that was right for us. Dennis first tried returning to the catholic church

                        however he didn’t feel comfortable there. We went on holidays with one of the goals being to pray for what we

                        should do. We told Peter about it and he asked the missionaries of his church (Mormon) and his home teacher

                        to pray for us. When we came back from holidays I started taking lessons with the Mormon Missionaries

                        to find out what this church was all about. Peter had been in the church for just over a year and we had met

                        a few of the members and were impressed by the people. So I was keen to find out what it was that they believed.

z      1993        Peter joined the Mormon Church. We attended his baptism and met the Bishop and other members. We were

                        pleasantly surprised at how “normal”  they all seemed. Not sure what we had expected! Peter had been seeing

                        the missionaries for a while now. I actually encouraged him to join the church. He loved the scriptures he was

                        reading and enjoyed the lessons.

z      1993        The pastor’s wife of the church we were attending preached a sermon and said that the crucifixion was a mistake.

                        That’s the straw that broke the camels back. I no longer felt right about attending the church. Dennis was also

                        feeling very uncomfortable.

z      1993        Peter was living with the pastor of a Pentecostal church for a while. One day when he was on his own the Mormon

                        missionaries called and he asked them to come in so he could find out what they believed.

z      1993        Peter was with a group of Christians when the Mormon missionaries were heading towards the door. Everyone made

                        fun of them or had negative comments. This made Peter curious as to what was so wrong with these missionaries and made

                        him want to find out more about the church. Now I could build another chain that led to this event. However I am concentrating

                        on major links in my own life.

z      1988        January we decided to leave the catholic church. We had been uneasy for a while with various doctrines and felt that the

                        church lacked the manifestation of the Holy Spirit.

                        We both felt that we needed to continue meeting with the Christians I had stayed with

                        during the camp. We were both baptised in the ocean. This was a great experience. As adults we decided that we

                        wanted to be baptised, to follow Jesus. A conscious decision on our part, as opposed to the one made by our parents when we

                        were infants. We felt it had more to do with our testimony of Jesus than aligning ourselves with a church.

z      1987        I attended a Christian camp that Helga had been regularly attending each Christmas. I took Peter. During the camp

                        I experienced a miraculous healing and was “baptised in the spirit” or also called by some “born again”. I add this link

                        because I feel it is relevant in that if I had not attended this camp, we may not have left the catholic church and

                        then in the end may not have joined the Mormon church.

z      1987        Our son Peter had a violent outbreak. We came home from Christmas shopping and later that night I found out that

                        he had trashed his entire room. And I mean really trashed it. Furniture and all. All over a hair cut I asked him to have.

                        In fact I insisted he get his hair tidied in time for Christmas….or there would be no Christmas! He finally went to the hair

                        dresser and asked for a trim but watched in horror as she cut his very long thick hair completely short. He felt that

                        he would not be able to face his friends that year during the holidays and faced with the idea of hiding in his room

                        for 6 weeks he had a nervous breakdown. I include this as a link because it is this experience, seeing the violence

                        he did to his room, that put me in total shock for several hours. I sat on the couch and all I could do was pray.

                        Dennis had already gone to bed (oblivious of the entire event). Peter at one stage sat next to me and said:

                        “you are overreacting, Mum”. He must have been shocked by my total silence. I prayed for help and asked God

                        what could I do to get to know my son. And I had a very clear thought which was like a voice in my head:

                        “take Peter to Helga’s camp”.  Now here is another entire chain….how did Helga end up attending these camps?

                        She had often invited me but I had totally shrugged it off saying that I was a catholic and that’s how it would stay.

                        (This was the only time that Peter was every violent. That is whate made it even more shocking.

                        I just couldn’t fathom where all that violence came from).

z      1982        Dad asked me a question that shook me to the core. And I doubt he realised the impact that this question had on me

                        and how it directly influenced later decisions regarding religion. At the time he was visiting us in Lombadina where we

                        spent 2 years as missionaries. He asked me: “how can you, a Christian, sleep at night, when there is even one sinner

                        left unsaved?”.  This question exposed a fundamental problem I had with the beliefs of the Catholic church and with

                        the beliefs of Christians in general. It has something to do with baptism and belonging to a church. Catholics believe

                        that we must be baptised (into the catholic church) to remove the stain of original sin and without baptism,

                        nobody can get into heaven. Other Christians believe to get to heaven you must be “born again”. That sort of leaves out 99%

                        of the people ever born on this earth who through no fault of their own didn’t happen to get baptised either into the catholic church

                        or born again into a Pentecostal church. I got rather depressed about this question. I felt that my own missionary

                        efforts had been mediocre at best so was I then responsible for sentencing people to hell? I just couldn’t rationalise

                        this giant burning pit that the churches preached about where most people end up, with the image of God as a loving Father.

                        It sort of struck me that if the churches were right, God must be a monster. I put it all in the too hard basked at the

                        time but it continued to eat at me and it was this very question that found an answer when I joined the Mormon church.

                        We too believe you must be baptised to get to the Celestial Kingdom where God the Father dwells. But if you miss

                        the boat on earth, you can still learn in the spirit world and make decisions once you have all the facts! Of course this

                        is a simplistic explanation of a deep truth. Can’t do it justice here.

z      1980        We decide to spend two years as missionaries on an aboriginal mission run by the catholic church in NW Australia.

                        This was our way of “giving back” something to God and Church and the community as a thanks for all the blessings

                        we had received. We made this decision after much prayer. And Dennis and I both had a spiritual experience which

                        led to it. I was driving to the city one day and after the previous spiritual experience (previous link) dedicated myself

                        to Jesus and decided that I wanted to follow Him wherever it would take me. When I made this decision, in fact

                        I said it out loud, my heart was filled with a feeling of joy that is impossible to describe.  As soon as I arrived in the city,

                        I rang Dennis up and he told me, before I opened my mouth, that he had just made a decision to follow Jesus,

                        wherever it would take us and that he was filled with joy when he made this decision. Neither of us had discussed

                        doing this previously. The idea sort of came to us spontaneously. But we had both been attending the events l

                        eading up to it, i.e. the revival meetings at our church and the retreats etc. If we had not done this we would not

                        have ended up in Lombadina, and Dad may never have asked me that question!

z      1980        I had been meditating on who Jesus was as a result of the previous link. And during an Easter service at the church

                        I had the revelation that has become the cornerstone of my belief. In fact it is a revelation that each Christian must

                        have because Jesus said in the bible : upon this revelation (usually translated as rock) I will build my church.

                        I knew from that moment on the divinity of Jesus. Not just in my head but in every fibre of my being.

                        This is what we call a “testimony” of Jesus.

z      1980        I attended a retreat and during it we were asked to meditate on a scripture. It was the scripture where Jesus

                        says to Peter: “who do you, Simon Peter, say that I am?”  We were asked to visualise Jesus standing in

                        front of us and asking us that same question. During my meditation, I had a very strong experience. I really

                        felt Jesus standing there and looking into my heart and asking me: “who do you, Inge, say that I am”. And

                        the awful thing was, I couldn’t answer him. I suddenly realised that even though I knew what was written in the

                        scripture, I didn’t have a personal testimony of Jesus. And it bothered me so much that I became quite depressed.

                        Spent a lot of time praying about this.

z      1980        Some missionaries spent a few weeks at our local parish to “revive” the membership. To renew us spiritually.

                        They also started the retreats. As a result of their visits our spiritual lives were renewed and we spent a lot of

                        Time reading the scriptures and praying.

z      1979        Dennis and I got married. It was on our wedding day that I could say for certain I believed in God and that God

                        was present in and blessed our marriage.

z      1978        I visited the small city church during my lunch hour and sat there and started talking / praying to a God I didn’t

                        really believe in. I simply asked: God, if you exist, please let me know. I want to get to know you. Gradually

                        my prayers were answered and I began to feel a presence.

z      1978        Dennis and I started dating. I was very curious about his faith. In fact it was knowing he was a catholic that led

                        me to want to get to know him. He never talked about it though. One day I simply asked him if he went to church.

                        When he confirmed it I suggested that I pick him up on Sundays and drive him. We have been going to church ever since.

z      1978        I was told by a friend that Dennis was a practicing catholic. This made me very curious. Why could he, an

                        apparently intelligent man, believe in God? The same person who told me also told Dennis that I was on my

                        own with 2 children. Dennis felt immediately moved to get to know me and see if he could help me in some way.

                        We had been work colleagues for a couple of years but didn’t know each other that well.

z      1978        Here I had my dark night of the soul experience. My first adult encounter with death. My grandmother died. And I was

                        devastated because I had never made it back to Germany to see her. She had told me when we were leaving

                        that she didn’t want to say goodbye because she knew then we would never see each other again. The other

                        person who died was the John, the father of my children. Even though we had been separated for a couple of years, I was

                        distraught by his death. I had never stopped loving him. And I had left it too late to try and find him and make contact.

                        I was terribly upset that my sons would now never get to know their father. I was especially sad for Michael because

                        he still remembered him.  Suddenly I hated being an atheist. Life seemed so meaningless if at the end after all the

                        struggling and all the striving and learning we disappear into nothing. What is the point of it all?

z      1977        After increasingly violent outbreaks on his part I left my husband of two years (German husband).

                        this of course made it possible for me to get to know Dennis, hence an important link in this chain!

z      1975        I started working for the same company Dennis worked for. Otherewise we wouldn’t have met1

z      1974        Dennis was relocated to Melbourne by his employer. Otherwise we wouldn’t have met!

z      1968        I investigated Buddhism. When I mentioned it to Dad he told me “why don’t you find out about your own religion

                        first before you look elsewhere”. I didn’t take Buddhism serious after that. Dad was a big influencer in my life.

                        And I was very attracted to Buddhism at the time. Who knows which turns my life would have made had

                        I continued with it.

z      1964        Dad took a job with the MTC which meant we all moved to Melbourne, where I eventually returned to.

z      1961        We migrated from Germany to Australia. Wouldn’t have met Dennis had we stayed in Germany.

z      1950s      Dennis tells his Mum that he will marry a German girl. She mentioned it to me many years later. An important link

                        because he didn’t marry anybody else until I came along and by then he was in his mid 30’s. He told me that

                        he had always known that he would marry a German. And that when we first started going out he knew that

                        we would get married. I was a bit slower to commit. Still licking my wounds.

z      1950        I was born.

z      1944        Dennis was born.

           

 

A gift of TIME

A gift of time – in german by Elli Michler, translated (quickly) by Inge:

 

A gift I’ld like to wish for you

Is something that is owned by few

Time for laughter and for joy

Time you’ld wisely would employ

 

Time for all your doing and thinking

Time for yourself and time for giving

Time not to hurry and not to race

But time for you to be at peace.

 

Time not to waste or squander

But to marvel and to wonder

Time to relax and time to trust

But never time to watch the clock.

 

I’ld give you time to reach for the stars

And time to grow which is time to mature

Time for new hopes and time for love

There is no sense in putting these off

 

I’ld wish for you time to find yourself,

To savour each day and savour each hour

Time to forgive each and every guilt

I’ld wish for you time enough to live!

 

The above poem is a quick translation of a poem Anneliese gave to me once and Mum had it framed. I found it whilst unpacking yet another box and thought it was an appropriate poem for me! Here is the german version:

 

Ich wuensche dir nicht alle moeglichen Gaben.
Ich wuensche dir nur, was die meisten nicht haben:
Ich wuensche dir Zeit, dich zu freun und zu lachen,
und wenn du sie nuetzt, kannst du etwas draus machen.

Ich wuensche dir Zeit fuer dein Tun und dein Denken,
nicht nur fuer dich selbst, sondern auch zum Verschenken.
Ich wuensche dir Zeit - nicht zum Hasten und Rennen,
sondern die Zeit zum Zufriedenseinkoennen.

Ich wuensche dir Zeit - nicht nur so zum Vertreiben.
Ich wuensche, sie moege dir uebrigbleiben
als Zeit fuer das Staunen und Zeit fuer Vertraun,
anstatt nach der Zeit auf der Uhr zu schaun.

Ich wuensche dir Zeit, nach den Sternen zu greifen,
und Zeit, um zu wachsen, das heisst, um zu reifen.
Ich wuensche dir Zeit, neu zu hoffen, zu lieben.
Es hat keinen Sinn, diese Zeit zu verschieben.

Ich wuensche dir Zeit, zu dir selber zu finden,
jeden Tag, jede Stunde als Glueck zu empfinden.
Ich wuensche dir Zeit, auch um Schuld zu vergeben.
Ich wuensche dir: ZEIT ZU HABEN ZUM LEBEN!

Note: I found the following on Elli Michler on the internet:

geb. 1923 in Würzburg, Dipl. Volkswirtin, lebt in Bad Homburg. Studium der Germanistik, Kunstgeschichte und Staatswissenschaften. Freie schriftstellerische Tätigkeit für Rundfunk und Zeitschriften. Seit 1986 Lyrik: Gedichte zu verschiedenen Themenkreisen und zur Lebenshilfe. Besonders erfolgreich: "Ich wünsche dir Zeit". Zahlreiche Veröffentlichungen im Don Bosco Verlag, München.

 

 

 

downsizing - and how am I going

Note: beware this is a long post. Decided to document this important milestone I my life.

I enjoyed my job and I loved the company I was working for. Sure … there were problems. But then which large organisation is perfect? My decision to “retire” was based purely on personal reasons. I had been very involved with work for a number of years to the extent that it totally dominated my life. Not that I minded. I enjoyed the work and I also initially enjoyed the travel associated with the job. However I found it very hard to balance this life with my personal life. In fact it seemed to me that there was less and less room for myself, family and friends. Constant travel and work pressures sort of reduced my out of work social life to zilch. At first I hardly noticed because the job itself gave me a lot of people contact. But then slowly I began to see less and less of family and also hardly ever went out with friends or entertained.

During the last few years, my job was totally flexible. At first this was great. I was able to choose the hours I wanted to work, keeping in mind that I did have certain timeslots that I had to be available for people in other time zones. But this could be done by working from home. I could take time off in the middle of the day to attend to things like shopping and appointments, meeting up with friends who were not working and catching up with Mum. But gradually there came a blurring of work and personal time. I seemed to be always at work and despite scheduling appointments with myself to take time off, there was never in the day and often even on the weekends where I had that feeling, I’ve knocked off for the day. Taking a few hours off in the middle of the day doesn’t quite let you unwind the same as finishing work at a certain time knowing that you were now in your own time. Nobody was driving me into this behaviour. It was purely my own doing. Granted being part of a global team, working for a global company there were certain expectations however, I could have designed things better.

Travelling overseas is very stressful. There is the preparation. You need to think about what to take, and to carefully pack your bags, book tickets and accommodation. Too far to rush back for anything you may have left behind. For some destinations you also need to arrange visas, immunisations, health checks etc. Then there is the actual travel. Living in Australia this usually means 13 hours gone. An hour to get to the airport. Two hours prior to flying you’re to check in. And at least 8 hours to get to the closest country in Asia. Then another hour gone to checkout and usually an hour gone to get to and check in at the hotel. Because I wanted to get the most out of the trip I would fly on the weekend and then spend the week (or often 2 weeks) in the office at the destination. Often there were short trips at the other end. To get from one location to another. Constant packing / unpacking / checking in and checking out of hotels. Then the return trip would take the same 13 hours. If I was lucky I would fly during the day on Friday but quite often it meant during the night and arriving on Saturday morning. Then the unpacking and putting everything away. The Saturday would be recovery time, and finally a heap of paperwork to claim for all the expenses incurred. This meant that 2 weekends were wrecked and if you had two trips a month, it meant practically no weekend where you were not either starting to pack or flying or unpacking.

I missed the warning signs that I was close to burnout. Health problems started to accumulate. Immune system started to pack up. On top of this there were other stresses in our life. My father was very ill and we had decided to move closer to my parents so that we could spend a bit more time with them and also help them out. Selling and buying a house, shifting, renovating are all very stressful activities. So late last year an opportunity came up for voluntary redundancy. Despite the stress in my life, initially this was the last thing on my mind. I had a fairly secure job and my husband and I had decided that we would both continue working for a few more years. But once I started thinking about the redundancy opportunity I could not put it out of my mind. I already had an appointment to discuss it with one of our local managers. And then several amazing things happened which absolutely helped to make up my mind. The first was a talk given by a friend at our local church. During this talk I suddenly became aware of how little I had grown spiritually the last few years. Along with family and friends, my church involvement and personal study and prayer time had been put on the backburner. My spirituality is a very important part of my life and I hadn’t even noticed how gradually things had come to a halt. There was always the thought, when the next project was completed, I would have more time to do this and to do that. But projects never seem to complete neatly and give you a break. Usually the next project is already in progress before the first one finishes. I went ahead with the interview to find out more about this and then had to head overseas for a couple of weeks. At the end of which time I had to make a decision.

When I arrived in Asia my husband rang me and told me to purchase a book which talked about the lives of people who had made a change in their lives. Changed careers or changed lifestyles. After years, followed their dreams. It was very realistically written and talked about the good and the bad experiences. One section that really jumped out at me was a comment made by the author: “it is seldom in life that you stand at a crossroad. And when the opportunity comes, you should consider very seriously which direction to take”. I knew I was suddenly given this wonderful gift to stand at this cross road in life and to decide which path to take. I chose to “retire” from work and give myself at least a year to rediscover what I was actually like when my career no longer defined me, to refocus on the things that I always held very dear, to catch my breath and allow my body to heal itself and to spend time with people who are dear to me, especially my parents who were of course not getting any younger. I thought very hard about this and figured that if I waited another 5- 10 years until normal retirement, they may not be with us and I would forever regret not having taken this opportunity.

I have now had 4 months out of the workforce. They have probably been some of the most stressful of our lives. Looking back the events stack up like a horror story:

April      27^th      Dad taken back to hospital by ambulance

            29^th       Mum broke her foot

May      1^ST        Officially retired. First day off work

            6^th-8^th     Attend sister’s wedding in Brisbane (what a wonderful way to spend my first weekend)

            13^th-16^th Spent weekend in Sydney. Visited Dennis’ sister who had cancer.

            23^rd       House renovations start in earnest with Kitchen. After that, bathroom, lounge room,

                        new floor coverings every room, painting 3 rooms, roof renovation, rebuilt patio roof

            29^th       Hurrah…we have found a buyer for our old house. Settlement in 2 months time.

            31^st       Sadly had to celebrate Dad’s 75^th birthday in hospital. But it was a good day for him and

                        he enjoyed the fuss.

June     5^th         Young son Peter is admitted to a Psychiatric hospital. He became psychotic when

                        he stopped taking his medication. Spent 3 weeks in hospital.

            16^th       I am admitted to Hospital with Pneumonia. Came on very suddenly. I spent 5 days there

            19^th       Whilst I am still in hospital Dennis’ sister Pat died.

            28^th       Dennis flies to Sydney to attend Pat’s funeral. I am still not strong enough to travel.

July      8^th         Had 3 tradesmen booked to come and complete their part of the renovations but

                        Dad died so had to cancel. Dad died almost on the day that our house was ready

                        for him to come home to.

            11^th       Dennis spends his last day at his contract. Luckily he has another job lined up.

            12^th       We buried Dad. Everyone came over to our house after the funeral.

            18^th       Dennis starts his new job. A relief that we have one income!

            29^th       Settlement of our old house. Finally we are free of it and the mortgage!

Thanks to the generosity of my managers at work I was able to spend a fair amount of time with Dad this year, even before I left work. He was very ill right from the beginning of the year and there were many times we thought he wasn’t going to pull through. It is sad that he died so soon after my leaving work but I feel like at least I was able to be there for him when he was so sick in hospital. Of course not quite how I had imagined it.

The first 3 months of my retirement went like a blur. I didn’t really notice that I had left work. So it has really only been just over one month that I could classify as being truly retired. Some of the things I wanted to accomplish I am already doing. I am spending time with Mum. I have spent a lot of time writing Dad’s “stories” by translating his emails. This has been a great blessing to me. To find so many email messages Dad has written over the last few years where he shares his thoughts and feelings. I am slowly getting my house in order. So much still to unpack. We are also slowly getting Mum’s house in order. And bit by bit I am doing the things I had planned. My health is still a worry. My fitness is a big worry and something I need to start taking more serious. So is my spiritual life. I am slowly getting more active in our church. I want to spend more time reading. I want to start a garden. Spend time with my grandchildren. And my children. Help Peter publish his stories. Investigate writing. Get us all on a good diet. Get back to my genealogy. And I have a very long list of people who I would like to invite over to our house. Friends and family members who we have neglected over the years.

This is a great opportunity for us to see how difficult it is to downsize financially. We made a decision not to replace my company car but to make do with one car. So far we have managed to do this without too much sacrifice. Or maybe I can talk…Dennis is the one who is catching the buses each day! I am beginning to study our bills to see where we can make savings. There is so much you can buy cheaper or do without when you don’t have to go to work.

And next year I want to go to Germany with Mum. Spend some time there without the stress of having to get back to work hanging over me. I have had a long-time dream to visit Germany with Mum so that she can point out to me things about the city and people that I have long forgotten.

Have I regretted giving up work? Definitely not. I think I left just in time, in fact on retrospect should have left at the end of last year. Do I miss my work? Amazingly no, not so far. It feels “so right” to be at home and doing what I am doing. I feel like I am still just starting out on a big adventure. The possibilities are endless. I am so grateful for the generosity of my husband who encouraged me all along to pursue this path. He has been a great support to me and his encouragement takes care of any doubts that may assail me as to how we will cope financially!

I thought it was important for me to document this milestone in our lives. I plan to track my progress. Will start doing some real planning from now on so that I set realistic goals with what I can and can’t achieve!